Daddy’s Dyin’ Who’s Got the Will?

Character of Mama Wheelis (female)

Sara Lee, did yew do that dye job on Cookie Hawkins’ hair?  I seen ‘er in the pig and ‘er hair is as pink as a Easter egg.  Last month it was blue. She oughta leave it alone.  She cain’t see good enough to know it don’t look good.  God bless ‘er.  She must be close to ninety.  I’m surprised she’s still around.  Lord, honey. She’s crippled over sa bad with artherities she can’t hardly walk.  Still has a sense humor though.  Told me the other day that she had a date two nights in a row.  Jest as straightfaced as she could be.  Sed Fridey night she went out with Arthur and Saturdey night se went out with Ben.  I asked ‘er “Arthur and Ben Who?”  And she sed “Arthur Itis and Ben Gay.”  I ‘bout hit the floor. Ain’t that a good ‘un?  That ol’ Cookie’s a card. Bless 'er heart. And how’s Mrs. Finwick you ask?  Oh honey, she’s dead. Was eat up with cancer.  Bless ‘er heart.

Greater Tuna

Character of Charlene (female)

“My Tuna” by Charlene Bumiller.

My Tuna, oh my Tuna

The only place I know

I’ve often thought of leaving you

But don’t know where I’d go.

For Paris has no bar-b-que

And Rome just can’t compare

To a lovely Texas sunset

When the dust is in the air.

Tuna, oh my Tuna,

Is such fun on Friday nights

When the Jaguars lose another game

And everybody fights.

And I love you when you’re frozen

And I love you when you’re dry

And in April when the pollen

Is so thick it makes you cry.

But Tuna, oh my Tuna,

Please stay just the way you are

‘Cause I just think the world

Barnum by Mark Bramble

Role of P. T. Barnum (MALE)

 . . . Barnum’s the name, P. T. Barnum, and I want to tell you that tonight, on this stage you are going to see . . .  bar none . . .  every sight, wonder, and miracle that name stands for!  Even if you have a doubt in your mind, you’re still gonna buy it! Why? Because every sixty seconds in this world a delightful phenomenon takes place which absolutely guarantees it.  (he leans forward toward the audience) THERE IS A SUCKER BORN EV’RY MINUTE!  . . .  and I will prove it to you!  If I was to tell you I got a real live mermaid back there, how many of you would pay twenty-five cents to see her? Maybe one. Two at the most.  The rest of you are missing a helluva lot because there happens to be one behind that curtain, but now I’ll be damned if I’ll show her to you!  I don’t think she’s et yet, Wally, so would you ask her to put on that middy blouse I got for her, I don’t want you getting all wrought up when you open the wine.  (suddenly to someone out in the house) . . . Sit down you!  Oh, now you’re interested!  When you hear Mademoiselle Neptuna’s got no blouse on!  Well, it happens to be the mystic joining of earth and ocean that’s the miracle, sir, not her uncovered bosoms . . . (with a chuckle) Pearly pink and simply beautiful though they may be!
Big River by William Hauptman and Roger Miller

Role of Huckleberry Finn (MALE)

Huck:  (to the audience)  It hit me all of a sudden that here was the hand of God, letting me know I’d been watched all along from above . . .  and people who helped a nigger liked I’d done were the ones who went to the everlasting fire.  I decided to pray and see if I could stop being the kind of boy I was.  But you can’t pray a lie, I found that out.  I’ll write a letter – then see if I can pray. (he get down on the floor with his feet up in the air and pantomimes writing a letter)  “Miss Watson.  Your runaway nigger Jim is down here two miles south of Hillsboro and Mr. Phelps will give him up for the reward if you send.  Huck Finn.”  (standing up quick)  I felt light as a feather, washed clean of sin for the first time in my whole life!  (pause)  But then I got to thinking about our trip down the river and we a-float along, talking, singing and laughing.  And him saying I was his only friend in the world . . . (he tears up the letter and flings the pieces away) All right, then, I’ll go to hell! I’ll take up wickedness again. And for a starter, I’ll steal Jim out of slavery again.  And if I can think of something worse, I’ll do that too:  because as long as I’m in, and in for good, I might as well go whole hog!

Blood Relations  By: Sharon Pollock

Role of Lizzie Borden (FEMALE)

Lizzie:  How can you go now?  You don’t understand, you don’t understand anything.  Let me explain it to you.  You listen carefully, you listen… Harry’s getting the farm, can you understand that?  Harry is here and he’s moving on the farm.  Our farm.  Do you understand that?… Harry’s going to be on the farm.  That’s the first thing… NO … it isn’t… The first thing was the mill house, that was the first thing!  And now the farm.  You see there’s a pattern, Emma, you can see that, can’t you?  The mill house, then the farm, and the next thing is the papers to the farm--do you know what he’s doing, Papa’s signing the farm over to her.  It will never be ours, we will never have it, not ever.  It’s ours by rights, don’t you feel that?  Papa’s going to make a will, and you can see that pattern, can’t you, and if the pattern keeps on, what do you suppose his will will say.  I don’t want to be looked after!  What’s the matter with you?  Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that cow, listening to her drone on and on for years!  That’s just what they think you’ll do.  Papa’ll leave you a monthly allowance, just like he’ll leave me, just enough to keep us all living together.  We’ll be worth millions on paper, and be stuck in this house and by and by Papa will die and Harry will move in and you will wait on that cow while she gets fatter and fatter and I - will - sit in my room.  We have to do something, you can see that… you have to help me, you can’t go away and leave me alone, you can’t do that.

BRIGHTON BEACH MEMOIRS
by Neil Simon

Role of Eugene (MALE)

One out, a man on second, bottom of the seventh, two balls, no strikes . . . IN A MINUTE MA! This is for the World Series!  One pitch, Mom?  I think I can get him to pop up.  I have my stuff today!  They’re clean. I’m wearing a glove.  (he whispers to himself) Eugene Morris Jerome . . . I hate my name! EUGENE MORRIS JEROME . . How am I ever going to play for the Yankees with a name like Eugene Morris Jerome?  You have to be a Joe . . . or a Tony . . . or Frankie . . .  If only I was born Italian . . .  All the best Yankees are Italian . . .  My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup, what chance do I have?  (pause)  What I am about to tell you next is so secret and private that I’ve left instructions for my memoirs not to be opened until thirty years after my death . . . I, Eugene Morris Jerome, have committed a mortal sine by lusting after my cousin Nora.  I can tell you all this now because I’ll be dead when you’re reading it . . . If I had the choice between a tryout with the Yankees and actually seeing her bare breast for two and a half seconds, I would have some serious thinking to do . . . (pause before ending)

GYPSY by Arthur Laurents

Role of Mother Rose (FEMALE)

I knew something would come up!  . . .  Oh Silly, you’re not really going to strip!  You just parade around so grand they’ll think it’s a favor if you even show them your knee.  Not too much makeup, Baby.  You be a lady: grand, elegant . . . with a classy, ladylike walk.  Oh, no – your hair’s wrong.  You can’t let it just hang like spaghetti. Put it up! Like Momma’s!  Puff it out in front. Thank God, the lord gave us good color!  (she calls of to the wing as if talking to a stage manager that is rushing them) She’s almost ready, she’ll be there, she’ll be there! Now, what else? . . . MUSIC!  (thinking) “Spanish” – “Cow” – “Military” ?  No. Say, you can do June’s “Let Me Entertain You” number!  I’ll mark it for the conductor to repeat two (small pause) and half choruses, and YOU SING OUT LOUISE!  You just walk and dip (she shows her how to do it) . . .  you’re a lady: you make ’em beg for more and then don’t give it to them.  I’ll get the music to the conductor  (she starts to exit and turns and comes back) Just remember --- you’re a lady and you – are – going – to – be – STAR!

The Oldest Living Graduate
by Preston Jones

Role of Floyd (MALE)

Quit tellin’ me what ah can and can’t have.  Ah’ve looked after this family for seventeen years, seventeen years! ME, Dammit, not you. Now, by God, form now on what ah say goes.  That, Colonel, is an order and that is a fact!   And to hell with Franklin.  I’m sick of hearin’ about him. You’ve stuck him down my throat ever since we were boys.  Your precious damned Franklin.  You know what Franklin was, you really want to know? He was a stuck-up, smarty-assed twirp!  My beloved big brother.  My first day in high school he sicked some of his buddies on me and they took my pants off in front of the whole school.  I was layin’ there in the dirt, too dammed ashamed to move, and he was laffin’, laffin’ louder than all the rest.  I hated his guts and you put him on a pedestal forty feet high.  Franklin the star!  Football, basketball, track, baseball.  “The Bradleville Flash,” isn’t that what ever’body called him?  You wanna know somethin’ else?  When the old “Flash” bought it in that B-17 ah was happy, happy as hell, because ah knew that if he lived out the war and came home some kind of hero I could kiss my life goodbye.

The Shadow Box  
by Michael Christofer

Role of Beverly (FEMALE)

Let me tell you something, as one whore to another . . .  What you do with your ass is your business.  You can drag it through every gutter from here to Morocco.  You can trade it, sell it, or give it away. You can run it up a flagpole, paint it blue or cut it off if you feel like it.  I don’t care. I’ll even show you the best way to do it.  That’s the kind of person I am.  But Brian is different.  Because he happens to need you!  And if that is not enough for you, then you get yourself out of his life - fast.  You take your delicate sensibilities and your fears and your disgust and pack it up and get out.  He’s dying!  He doesn’t need you for that! He can do it all by himself. You’re young, intelligent, not bad looking . . . probably good trade on a slow market. Why hang around?  Unless of course you need the money.  What does he do pay you by the month?  Or does it depend on how much you put out? (pause) Please.  Just one favor you owe him.  Don’t hurt him with your hopes.  Tell Brian goodbye for me, I’ve got to catch my plane to Hawaii before the hangover hits me.  (she starts to walk off and turns back toward him)  It’s funny; he always makes the same mistake.  He always cares about the wrong people.

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